Barney Stintson and the Last Brocade
by Bumblebeemagnus
Summary: The night before the Swarkles wedding, Ted and Barney have the last moment as bachelors on an adventure of legen-waitforit-dary proportions! Not surprisingly, this is AU. Trust me, you'll get it.
1. Chapter 1

How I Met Your Mother created by Craig Thomas and Carter Bays and owned by CBS

* * *

_Now, kids, the night before your Uncle Barney and your Aunt Robin's wedding was probably one of my favorite memories of my friendship with your Uncle Barney. As usual, things started out at MacLaren's..._

"Legen-waitforit-dary," said Uncle Barney, in his usual manner, "that's what tonight is gonna be!"

"No offense, Barney, but you say that as much as George Lucas changes the Original Trilogy," said Uncle Marshall.

"He's right, Barney. If someone made a drinking game out of your life, that phrase alone would kill them," I stated.

_Kids, never tell your Uncle Barney about drinking games because...well..._

"It will be legendarier than all other nights and if someone made a drinking game about me..."

_...he rambles. The next 20 to 30 minutes where a blur because I think I fell asleep. But... Your Uncle Marshall said Uncle Barney stood on a chair, pulled out his iPhone, and gave a speech while the 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' blaired. Thankfully, your Aunt Lily and your Aunt Robin interupted before it went any longer._

"Ted, are you ok?" asked Lily.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm ok. Barney's speech sent me to sleep."

"Good. That we can handle... Barney?"

"Yes, Lily..." Barney said in that child-who-just-got-busted-for-doing-something-they-shouldn't way.

"You know what I've told you about rambling at Ted..."

"Yes, Lily..."

"Then appologize to Ted and summerize."

"Sorry, Ted."

"It's ok. Continue."

"Well, since it's my last night as a bachelor, I was gonna do something nice for you guys."

_Everyone stared at your Uncle Barney and he realized what that meant._

"It doesn't involve strippers."

_Kids, It really doesn't. _

"I'm in," I said.

"Sorry, Barn," Marshall said, "Lily and I are going to a movie tonight 'cause my mom can only stay until after the Swarkles wedding."

"I'm sorry but...'Swarkles'?" said a very suprised Robin.

"Yeah... it's our pet name for your relationship," said Lily, "I thought we told you."

"That had better not ended up on the invites."

"It didn't," said Marshall.

"Are you lying to me!"

"Yes... It's the border..." Marshall flinched and remarked, "Don't kill me!"

"MARSHALL!" said both Robin and Lily at the same time.

"What! The Canadian scares me."

_Now, kids, this next part is amazing. This is one of the only times Barney interfering in something helped things go smoothly._


	2. Chapter 2

"Robin, this is nothing. It'll just be an in-joke for our group," said Uncle Barney to an upset Aunt Robin.

"But what if others get it?"

"So what? We love you- I love you- Robin Sparkles and all."

_Tears of joy were in your Aunt Robin's eyes. Don't ask her though. She would never admit it._

"Marshall and Lil, enjoy your movie, Ted and I are gonna have a legen-waitforit-dary adventure, and Robin- do whatever you want- you could probably go to the mall or something."

_She faked annoyance but was laughing in her heart._

"Barney, if we're gonna do whatever we're gonna do, let's get crackin',"

* * *

_Kids, believe me, this is where things get weird. As we drove down the street listening to Journey, a police officer, or so we thought, pulled us over._

"Is there a problem, officer?" I asked, rather confused.

"Nothing, we are just required to check all cars coming through the Bronx after a series of missing persons cases with similar motives and close proximity. We believe that they are Neo-Nazis as the few eyewitnesses in this case have said they are blonde caucasians. You look like you could be one of them Mr.-"

"Stintson," finished Barney.

"Is your friend there Jewish?"

_They say that hindsight is 20/20, kids. This is one of those times where that exact moment should have been 20/20. _

"Not that I know of," I said, "and, just out of curiousity, how do you know it's Neo-Nazis? The Bronx would be a really weird place for them to set up camp."

"Because I am one," the 'cop' said with a smirk and he hit Barney over the head with his gun.

_I tried to run but another one came out of nowhere._

"These two are perfect for recruitment, sir," said the Neo-Nazi who hit me over the head.

"Yessss..." said the other.

_Yet Nazi Megatron and his lackey were not even the weirdest part of the night._


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry it took so long for me to finish the story, kids, but I had to beg your mother to let me finish. Now where was I... Oh, right..._

"What the...? Where are we?" I asked, panicking, "Barney, this better not be some lame attempt to get me to a strip club..."

"It's not... all I had in mind for us to hang out tonight was this new laser tag place, a midnight WalMart run, maybe some donuts..."

"That's not as legendary as you made it sound..."

"It was gonna be legendary because it was gonna be our Last Brocade before I get married and you keep trying to marry the woman who will be the mother of Luke and Leia... although I would have gone with Maris and Sora..."

"Dude...You read the Expanded Universe?"

"Yeah... and I have a soft spot for Episode III and The Clone Wars series except the movie."

"Barney, as long as you hate Jar Jar with a passion, it's alright with me, that and I enjoy those too... Marshall owes me now...

"What?"

"Long Story."

_Kids, I'm not even going to try and explain that story._

"Gentlemen, if you are through, I would like to reveal what we are planning."

"Ok..?" I said.

"To put it simply, boys, we are going to clone Hitler!"

"Are you insane..."

"Ted..."

_Uncle Barney saved my life with one word, kids._

"...cloning technology hasn't even been perfected yet!" I said, finishing the sentence very differently than originally intended.

"Oh, but it has..."

"IT HAS!" Barney and I exclaimed.

"Yes, but it is different than what the movies make it look like. I requires a human egg, some DNA of the person you want to clone, a female and 9 months."

"But we don't have 9 months..." said Barney, slightly confused.

"Oh, the 9 months have already occured...and the clone of Hitler is about to be born!"


	4. Chapter 4

_Kids, at your mother's request and my own return to reality, I think I'm going to skip the birth._

"Ted?"

"Yes, Barney?"

"If we get out of this alive, remind me to hurl."

"For your sake, Barney, it might be a good thing that Robin can't polevault..."

_A word to the wise, kids, I was under alot of stress at the moment and I truely didn't mean that so try and avoid saying anything like that to your Uncle Barney or Aunt Robin._

"Gentlemen, is there a problem?" said the Nazi leader guy.

"Well-"

"You crazy!" yelled a voice from somewhere above me.

"Barney!?"

"Don't look at me! I wanna live!"

"Seriously, this guy's brain is like rabid weasals fighting over an egg."

"Yeah, Barney, that definitely isn't you. Sounds like..."

"...Spider-Man, that's who!" said Spider-Man as he swung down and freed us.

_Wait, Dad, you expect us to believe Spider-Man saved you?_

_Yes, son, I do. I got him to autograph the t-shirt I wore that day._

"I'm definitely not Barney. He's purple and sings about friendship. Neither of which are in my job description," he said as he knocked the living daylights out of one of the Neo-Nazis.

"Hey! The least you could do was use Don Knotts' character from the TV show people actually like."

"The least you could do is shut up and let me snark. I am, after all, the one saving you, not the other way around."

"But-"

"Barney, this isn't the freakin' time!" I yelled.

"This isn't good," Spider-Man said, very worried.

"What isn't good!?" I said, scared out of my mind.

"They're stockpiling explosives!"

"That's bad, I guess, but they don't have any firearms or anything else that would set them off."

"They do," he said, "and his name is Johnny Storm."

"The Human Torch?" Barney asked.

"Noooo, Captain America. OF COURSE HE'S THE HUMAN TORCH!"


	5. Chapter 5

_Kids, I would love to tell you that your Uncle Barney and I helped Spider-Man and the Human Torch save Manhattan from the Neo-Nazis but... the truth is much less awesome than that. A great memory, but still._

"Ted..."

"Yeah, Barney..."

"MacLaren's?"

"MacLaren's."

"Cab's on me..."

"Dude...they took our wallets!"

"Our wallets!? Oh, well then. I'll call Robin."

"...and my phone!"

"What about mine?"

"You left it at MacLaren's."

"I always carry a spare."

"Where?"

_Kids, You do not want to know. After your Uncle Barney called Aunt Robin, we waited and talked._

"Barney, next time we do something like this, let's not do something like this."

"Ted, bro, there won't be a next time. Robin and I are getting married and we're gonna turn into Lily and Marshall."

"Look, Barney, I know all of this is incredibly nerve-racking but you're not gonna turn into Marshall and Lily."

"Yes, we are! We're gonna be like all the rest!"

"You're not gonna turn into Marshall and Lily or anybody else! You and Robin are the most fun and unique people I have ever met and, if anything, they should try and be more like you two! Fun, adventurous free-spirits who don't play by other people's rules! But... they can't. Not with little Marvin, at least. They've gotta stick to the rules for his sake. You don't have that. There will be times were you want that and, just maybe, a miracle will happen. But for now, you have a different responsibility. You have the responsibility to each other to be the fun, and unique, newlyweds that, in a few hours, you will be."

"You mean it, Ted?"

"Of course I do. 'Cause we're not just bros, we're brothers."

"Dude, now you're just sounding like the sequel to _The Wedding Bride_, _Best Bros Forever_."

"You saw that?"

"Duh. It had bros in THE -waitforit- TITLE. They aren't making another sequel. That thing sucks with an x."

_We discussed the sequel to the movie I hated with a passion until Robin got there, and once we got in the taxi, I fell asleep. But your Aunt Robin says that her conversation with your Uncle went something like this..._

"Look at Ted. He looks like a little kid with his face squished against that window."

"Yeah. He always does that if anything lasts past 3 a.m."

"Barney, let's have kids."

"Robin, I would like that. But before we become parents, why don't we be just a married couple for a while?"

"Sound's good with me and, besides, fertility treatments take a while anyway."

_...but your Uncle Barney swears up and down that this is how it goes._

"Barney?"

"Yes, Robin?"

"Let's have lots and lots of dirty, nasty sex until we die."

"Sounds good with me."

_I bet you can figure out who's telling the truth. But anyways, we rode into the sunrise, for our next big adventure was yet to come._

* * *

**THE END**


	6. Epilogue

"Hey, Johnny, look what I found..."

"What the...? Wallets?"

"Yep. And look at this guy's driver's license photo."

"Yeah...so..."

"This is one of the guys I had to save tonight. The other wallet must have belonged to the other guy."

"What are their names?"

"The one with the driver's license says 'Ted Mosby.' And the other guy's wallet doesn't have a driver's license but his membership card to a pub called MacLaren's says his name is Barney Stintson."

"Hey...I think I've been to that pub before but I don't remember where it is... Where's it say he lives?"

"86th Street."

"Well, that won't be too big of a deal, will it?"

"Nah, I'll just run it over there tomorrow."

"Cool. I'll see ya tomorrow, right?"

"Yep. MJ and I will be over there in time for dinner."


End file.
